


Worst Prescription Ever

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Shuffle Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-17 14:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20622458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: 10 songs, 10 drabbles, written under standard Shuffle Challenge rules.





	Worst Prescription Ever

**Author's Note:**

> I did a bunch of these things in 2010 to combat writer's block.
> 
> You can see why I hesitated to crosspost these old things over here.

~ Worst Prescription Ever ~  
(Shuffle Challenge)

\- Rammstein, "Du Hast" -

"Let me put it in a way your German-metal-band-loving idiot teenage son can understand: _Du hast ein_ BIGASS TUMOR ON YOUR SCROTUM."

The patient didn't even flinch as House yelled in his face, or when his mother left the exam room to demand another doctor...

* * *

\- Static-X, "Breathe" -

"The patient can't breathe!"

"Relax. That's why he's on the ventilator. We just need to figure out why he can't breathe, and fix it. Any ideas?"

"No history of asthma... no known allergies..."

"So... you're saying you think there might be _unknown_ allergies? Go test!"

"That's not what I said."

"But you do know how to follow orders, right? GO TEST."

* * *

\- Porno Graffiti, "Melissa" -

"So, the patient likes _Japanime_. Who cares? How is that relevant in any way?"

"The correct term is 'anime' not 'Japanime' and it's relevant because he's obsessed with Japanese things... and not just cartoons."

"Like, geishas?"

"Like food, and sake."

"And geishas."

"_Why_ are you stuck on the geishas?"

* * *

\- Chevelle, "Send The Pain Below" -

Another day in the clinic...

"I think I have an STD."

"You have athlete's foot."

"On my penis?"

"Also known as _jock itch_. NEXT!"

"I think I have an STD."

"... congratulations, you have herpes. Give this to the pharmacist for your prescription. NEXT!"

"I think I have an STD."

"You have testicular cancer. Give this to the nurse on your way out. NEXT!"

"I can't feel my chest."

* * *

\- System of a Down, "Sad Statue" -

"The patient is paralyzed... and depressed," House said, frowning at the file. "I can see why she would be depressed if she's paralyzed. I see no reason to make note of it."

"She was depressed first. The paralysis came later," Foreman explained. "Which you'd know if actually _READ_ the file, not just glanced at it."

"Oh, you," House said, in that pretending-you're-flirting-with-me tone he did so well.

* * *

\- Fear Factory, "2 Hip" -

"Wow, it's really rare to see grandma fall down and break BOTH hips! I wonder how she managed that...?"

"House, you're not seriously thinking of taking this case?"

"It's interesting."

"If you like laughing at old people for falling down." Chase did not sound amused.

"That's not why it's interesting. Think, what _angle_ must she have fallen at that she could have hit BOTH hips hard enough to break them? Is that even humanly possible? There must be some underlying condition..."

"Fine. Whatever. You're in charge." Chase still thought House only wanted the case because he thought it was funny, not because it was medically interesting.

* * *

\- Fear Factory, "Into The Light" -

"DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!" House shouted, as his team shocked the patient's heart again.

"House!" Foreman snapped.

"What?" House asked irreverently.

"_Not_ helping."

* * *

\- Linkin Park, "Crawling" -

"The patient is a cutter..." Thirteen announced hesitantly.

"Cool," House said, sounding intrigued.

Meanwhile, in the patient's room...

"SPIDERS!" the patient yelled, panicking and raking his arms and face and stomach with his fingernails. "SPIDERS! SPIDERS! GET THEM OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

* * *

\- Fear Factory, "Concrete" -

"We have no proof!"

"Which is why we need concrete proof."

"But-"

"If you're going to be such a chicken about it, then Kutner and Thirteen can search the home."

* * *

\- Sublime, "What I Got" -

Another day in the clinic...

"You have diabetes. NEXT!"

"You have syphilis. NEXT!"

"You have a cavity. Go to the dentist. NEXT!"

"You had a bloody nose. There is no deep underlying condition. Unless you're an anime character. Then it means that your were having dirty thoughts. NEXT!"

"You're pregnant. NEXT!"

"You have a cold. NEXT!"

"You have... a VERY nice ass."

~end~

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:
> 
> Melissa - This song is the beginning theme from Fullmetal Alchemist and I couldn't think of anything that the title or lyrics could relate to, so I ended up with THIS idea.
> 
> Sad Statue - Went off the song title, not the lyrics.
> 
> Crawling - With that song, I had to!
> 
> Concrete - Shuffle really liked Fear Factory today, for some reason.


End file.
